-- behind the veil ( spock )

[LT. NYOTA UHURA]

It was late and all Uhura wanted to do was sleep. She wasn't really up for anything else at this point since the events in the bar seemed to completely drain her. The dark skined woman stood in the shower, the hot water washing over her bare skin as she closed her eyes tightly. The water rolled over her skin as she dipped her head under the fast, hot stream of water. She figured if she took a shower, she could get rid of her anxieties and odd feelings before she went to sleep. Her thoughts were clouded with fear and what ifs, that she just couldn't seem to get rid of them. Since shore leave began, she's had nothing but time to dwell on her problems. Sky's words still reverberated in her mind, reminding her just how human she really was. She was scared that her love was misplaced, that if she continued to throw her love at someone who didn't want it. Ugh, it was so aggravating! Uhura lifted her head up toward the shower head, the water washing over her face as she ran her hands over it. The shore leave was nothing but trouble for her and she wished to just get back to work. At least working distracted her from her feelings.

She turned the water off and moved toward her quarters to dress down to get some sleep. She slipped into a modest night gown before she sat herself down on her bed. Her quarters were small, but livable. She liked them and she didn't need anything else. She ran her hand against her pillow before she grabbed her hair brush and started to brush through her long dark hair. Uhura didn't like all of this down time, not on bit. She has spent enough time not working and she would prefer to go back. She was half tempted to just get dressed and looked for work to do. There had to be something on the ship. However, after the evenings events, she decided a good night's sleep would be better for her. She pulled her hair over her shoulder as she ran the brush through the damp locks. She toyed with the ends before looking up toward the wall. She missed her roommate, the girl at least could carry on a conversation. She tilted her head to side as she looked off into space, absent-mindedly running the brush through her hair as she tried to find something positive to think about.

Uhura started humming gently as she brushed her hair, thinking the music would distract her. She pulled her slender legs onto the bed as she continued to hum softly and beautifully as she brush continued to slip through her hair, untangling the strands, leaving them clean and strong. She then let the brush slid free from her hair and she started a new section of her hair. Brushing her hair out was distracting enough for the time being, but her earlier thoughts were invading her and it started to make her chest tighten. She fought it, but a tear trickled down her face as she continued to hum, only it was less fluid and more sad as she looked down at her bed. She was scared, which was a feeling she was less than comfortable with. She took in a deep breath and took more control over herself as she continued to brush her hair, humming softly still, almost like her falter didn't happen.

[arc]

Spock sat at his desk, absently turning the pages of an ancient, withered novel. His father had given it to him years ago, and it had always been one of Spock's favorite books. He had forgotten the title; it had been lost long ago due to over-use and spine wear. It was a detailed description of Vulcan culture and lore, and Spock would often stay up late at night reading it when his mind was too preoccupied for sleep. But he was hardly paying attention to what he was reading tonight. Spock had already read the novel from cover to cover three times. What was the point? Besides, he wasn't in the mood. Not after what had happened at the bar.

“The essence of their logical society is in arriving at the truth through logical process. Emotions are illogical, thus making them impure, and deterrent to truth. Vulcans are born with the same emotions that afflicted their violent ancestors, but continual mental conditioning generally gives them the impassivity they seek . . .”

Spock snapped the book closed in anger, resting his head on his desk. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to read about Vulcan culture after what had happened today . . . Sky had been right about him. Perhaps she was even right in saying that “he, like most Vulcans, looked down on the human race just because they showed emotion.” That statement had caused more unease in Spock than any of her other, more direct insults. Now he doubted himself. Did he really look down upon humans because of their emotions? Spock liked to think that the statement wasn't true, but he couldn't help but feel conflicted. After having thought about it for more than an hour, Spock still couldn't come to a conclusion. Maybe he never would.

The Vulcan Commander was about to fall asleep, with his head upon his desk, when his human instincts kicked in again. He couldn't just give up and go to sleep. He had to do something. Spock couldn't rest, not after what Sky had said to him. And so he finally decided to get up and see what Uhura was doing. Spock felt a strong need to talk to her, after what had been said, and he hadn't been given that chance in the bar. Now was the only opportunity.

Spock stood up. He had been too tired to change out of his normal attire – his blue work suit. But he rarely wore anything else anyways. Thinking himself presentable enough, he left his room, closing the door softly so as not to wake anyone who may be sleeping nearby. Then he made his way quietly down the hallway, hands swaying by his sides in a casual manner. Once he had reached Uhura's quarters, which weren't very far away, he opened it slightly without bothering to knock.

There she sat, brushing her hair out and humming a tune, dressed in her night gown. Embarrassed by his intrusion, Spock didn't enter the room, instead muttering a quiet “Sorry” before closing the door just as gently as he had opened it. But Uhura had already seen and heard him; it was too late to escape. So he leaned against the wall outside her room, waiting.

[LT. NYOTA UHURA]

Uhura decided that she would just curl up in her bed and go to sleep, since she didn't know what else she could possibly do at this point. The thought of going to see Spock had crossed her mind, but she had refrained. She was afraid, still, that he would reject her presence and she didn't feel like hurting more than she was beginning to. She ran her fingers through her long hair delicately before the sound of her door sliding open intrigued her interest. Her dark brown eyes lifted up to see Spock had been the one to open her door. Shocked, she looked to him before he muttered an apology and shut the door. She slid the brush onto her desk before she rose to her feet swiftly. He had come to her this time and it made her feel something in her chest. She straightened out her night gown before she reached her door to open it.

The door slid open and revealed the half-vulcan standing there against the wall, waiting. She smiled gently to him as she leaned against the door frame, her eyes watching him closely. She understood why he felt the need to apologize. He had entered without knocking and she had been under dressed. Spock has never seen her in such a way before, so she understood his hesitance.

"It's alright, Spock. Come in." She looked down the hall to see if anyone was paying attention to what was going on out in the hall before she reached for the commander. She took his wrist gently in her hand before she nodded toward her room before leading him into her room. She released him once she re-entered the room. She placed her brush back into a drawer before she moved over to her bed. She thought whether or not to sit back down or to stay standing. She wrapped her arms around herself and turned toward Spock as she sat herself down on the surface of her bed. She looked up to him as she took in a deep breath.

"Is everything okay? What is it?" She asked in a gentle tone toward him. She had no ill will toward him, so she had nothing but kindness for him. Despite her doubts, whenever she was in his presence, she felt a bit better. She just hoped this little encounter ended better than they have recently. She didn't like how their conversations ended with her just as confused as she always has been. She was tired of his indifference, but she knew that he was hurting, deeply. He just didn't know how to express it, so he didn't. She wanted to get through that barrier, but she couldn't force it. That would only drive them further apart from each other.

[arc]

As soon as Spock had leaned against the wall, taking in a deep breath, Uhura had arrived at the door. She opened it quietly, bringing him into her room. He was relieved. At least his previous attitude hadn't swayed her opinion of him in any way. Once he was inside the room, Spock looked around nervously, hands behind his back in a professional sort of way. The whole situation made him feel just a tad bit anxious – he had never been in Uhura's quarters before, or seen her outside of work, really. Well, unless you were to count the “bar incident”. Spock studied her carefully as she made her way to her drawers, putting the brush away before coming back to face him. When she sat down, Spock remained standing, still uncomfortable with the whole situation. He shouldn't have come here . . .

When she questioned him, Spock said nothing for a few moments, trying to think of words that would hint at his thoughts without giving himself away completely. Her tone was gentle, however, and that comforted him in the awkward situation. He studied her silently with his big brown eyes, still struggling to speak, and opened his mouth more than once before he closed it again. Uhura always made him nervous. But he wouldn't allow the anxious side of him to show; he would only end up embarrassing himself. Instead, he stood still, inhaling slowly yet again before he said anything.

“I wish to apologize for my behavior today.” Spock kept his tone even and calm, but he did express his sincerity in his words. Another stiff reply from him would only push Uhura away, and that would worsen the situation entirely. “I've been exceptionally frustrated today, and I am sorry.” Hopefully she would accept his apology. Spock had made a fool of himself today – refusing to join Uhura on her home planet, giving her curt replies instead of expressing himself.

After he had spoken, Spock lowered his gaze, shifting his weight uncomfortably. The silence was enough to kill him. But as he waited for a response from Uhura, Spock thought back on the past few days. Uhura had always been for him when he needed her the most, and he had done nothing to deserve it. Perhaps he should tell her how he really felt about her, and then let her know that he wasn't nearly good enough for her. Maybe he should tell her to stop trying and leave the room. All of his thoughts remained unspoken.

[LT. NYOTA UHURA]

Uhura knew that this had to be difficult for Spock, since the destruction of Vulcan, he hasn't been the same. He wasn't as collected as he used to be, despite how well he conveyed it to other members of the crew, Uhura knew better. He was falling apart at the seams and she could see it. She watched as he looked in his mind for the words to say to her. She appreciated that he was even attempting to say something to her, so she held that into account. She watched the way he walked, the way his arms were held behind his back as he basically apologized for upsetting her today. She looked up at him with a warm smile as she waited for him to stop speaking. He said he had been frustrated and she could tell that now. The slender woman rose from her position on her bed and moved over to him.

Uhura looked up into his big brown human eyes as she reached and pried his arms away from his back, bringing them around to the front. Her darker hands took his, the contrast between skin color apparent but of no concern to either of them. Uhura's earlier fears were still present, but she felt better knowing that he came to apologize to her. Her hands held his gently before she led him gently over to her bed where she took her seat back down and she angled her body toward the half-vulcan.

"It's alright, Spock. I should have taken everything into account. I know that I can be rather...frustrating." She said and looked down at their hands. She almost thought of releasing them, but she was afraid to let them go. If she did, maybe they wouldn't touch ever again. She had difficulty getting much out of him, only when the situation was either dire or emotionally tiring, only then did he accept her affection. She remembered before he beamed onto the Romulan ship on her first mission, they had shared a moment she held close to her heart. It was one of the few where he had shown her affection back.

As Uhura held one of his hands, she let one go as she reached up and touched his temple gently, her eyes darting from side to side as if she was searching for something. She licked her lips and shuddered, afraid that she would ruin the moment with her words.

"I don't mean to get in your way I just..." She paused, looking over him as she fought her mind telling her not to speak any further. She wanted to, she wanted to tell him how she felt, instead of just showing him. She knew that signals weren't really that easily intercepted by him. She let her fingertips stroke down to his cheek gently, her gaze warm toward him. "I just care about you. More than I really thought I could." She said and with that, she fell silent, her eyes on him as she waited for him to respond. In all honesty, she wasn't sure what to expect from him, but instead she just waited. She was always waiting, and in a way, she always would be.

[arc]

Spock allowed Uhura to lead him away from the door, sitting down next to her on the edge of the bed. She had accepted his apology; that made him feel better than he ever thought he could feel after what had occurred earlier in the day. Now it was her time to speak, and Spock could tell that it was difficult for her to be rid of her words, for whatever reason. He still didn't understand their relationship; he still wasn't sure about it. Maybe Uhura was ready to explain herself. Or perhaps she was willing to reject him. That would be so much easier, he couldn't help but think . . . She would be better off that way, without having to worry about him. Spock allowed their hands to touch while she spoke, thinking the same thing as Uhura. This might be the last time they ever touched. He didn't want it to be that way, but it was only best . . .

Spock looked up to meet her gaze as she began speaking for a second time. She reached up to touch his face, as she had done a handful of times, and Spock allowed it, still not averting his gaze. Uhura's words would have, under normal circumstances, been welcome ones. But with Spock's mind being as conflicted as it was, the words were enough to kill him. After she had spoken, Spock stared into her dark eyes for a moment longer before he turned his eyes to the door. A heart-broken look flickered upon his features for less than a second before it was instantly replaced by a blank, emotionless expression, and he turned back to face Uhura again.

Her eyes were so gentle and warm, it was difficult for Spock to maintain his composure, but he managed it. “You care about me?” he questioned, the words strange coming from the Vulcan Commander's mouth. There was another awkward, uncomfortable silence as Spock thought about what to say next. Should he tell Uhura how he felt about her, or should he tell her that he could never be with her, that he could never give her what she wanted. Spock still wasn't ready to open up to anyone, to be emotional and vulnerable, and he doubted that he ever could be.

“It would be . . . logical . . .” Spock knew that his next words would anger her, but it had to be done, “for you to discard your feelings towards me.” He wanted to add more; to tell her that he cared about her too, but it could never be. Or to tell her that he was an emotional wreck, and he could never hope to support her. But he left it at that, too afraid to say anything more. Uhura would probably dislike him for what he had said, but he couldn't hope to give in to her, no matter how he felt about her. As soon as he'd said those words, Spock regretted it. Now, he would never have the chance to tell her any of those things, ever again.

Lowering his head, Spock tried to contain his emotions. He avoided Uhura's gaze, which he was sure was an angry one. ”I am sorry,” he muttered, still not willing to stand up until Uhura answered him.

[LT. NYOTA UHURA]

Uhura hadn't known what to expect from him, but she didn't expect what he said to her, at all. She was taken back by it, her heart felt like shattering into thousands of pieces as her hand moved from his face and her other hand out of his. He wanted her to stop loving him, stop caring for him? It would be logical? She shuddered and looked down at her slender legs as she pulled them closer to her as she looked at Spock in shock. It stung, thinking that he didn't want her to feel the way she did, maybe he really didn't care about her. That he looked down on her for caring so much. She looked away, tears welling up in her eyes. When he apologized, she looked back to him, her jaw tightening. A tear trickled down her smooth face as she rose from her position on the bed.

Uhura wanted to run away, to escape from here. She felt like her chest was caving in and she took in a shuddered breath. She looked to him, not knowing what to say to him yet. She felt her lips quiver as she looked for the words to say. She was furious, beyond all comprehension. But her sadness was taking her over as she bit down on her bottom lip as another tear hit her cheek.

"So that's it, huh? It's illogical for me to give a damn so you want me to just shut it off?" She felt her anger bubbling and she knew that she kept this up, she would say something she would truly regret. She felt like that woman in the bar, letting her words lash out at him. She never wanted to be like that, to do that to him. She had defended the vulcan and now he was just telling her to let him go.

"I'm not like you!" She cried, her hand going to her face as she turned away from him for a moment, her hair falling into her face before she turned back to him, the tears brimming in her eyelids. Her brown eyes were glossy with unshed tears as she tried to not scream, tried to not lash out.

"I can't just turn it off! I guess that makes me inadequate! Because I feel!" She shouted, looking down at him as he sat perched on her mattress. She wanted to sob, she wanted to break down but she couldn't. Not in front of him, because would he really care? Do her tears matter to him? Did any of it matter to him at all? "I'm sorry if I wasted my time trying to connect with you, loving you!" She shouted, another tear rolling down her face. She said it. She actually said, and she wished she could take it back. It wasn't a lie, but she said it under the completely wrong circumstances. The timing was wrong, and the time may never be right anymore.

"I saw something in you, because I thought you were worth it. Because you weren't just a vulcan half-breed to me. I saw a person, but obviously you think I was stupid for ever thinking it. And now I feel like a fool. A complete fool, and I hope you are happy....but then again, that would be considered a feeling wouldn't it?" Then she stopped, holding her chest as she leaned against the wall. She wanted to run away, but these were her quarters. Tears fell freely as she lowered her head, looking at the ground. She was ashamed of herself for saying those things, but she was heart broken. She never felt this before, she's never been this in love. And now, he just ripped her heart out in front of him. What did it matter anymore?

[arc]

Spock sat still, hands folded in his lap. His head was bent as he took in Uhura's anger. He had hurt her more than he could have ever dreamed, but what more could he have done? Pushing Uhura away was his best option, whether she believed it or not. Her words cut him deeply, but he somehow managed to remain calm. Losing his demeanor would only worsen the situation entirely. Their last few meetings hadn't ended well, but this was ending terribly. Spock hated to end it like this . . . The past few events had driven him closer to his breaking point, and now he had almost reached it. He had to get out of here, to go back to his quarters and be alone, but he couldn't leave Uhura like this . . .

Uhura meant every word that she said, and when she mentioned wasting her time loving him, Spock looked up, meeting her furious gaze. She was trying not to cry; he could see it in her eyes. Now he regretted it. Why did he have to be such an insincere jerk? Why had fate been so unkind to him, leaving him without a home planet, without a mother, and without the person he cared for?

All his life, Spock had been taught to hide his emotions. They could do nothing for him. They would only make matters worse. But now, at this point in time, Spock didn't believe it. He had to figure out a way to break his old ways and let Uhura in, tell her what he was feeling. But it was so hard for him. He could never do that. When one had been taught something all of their life, it was nearly impossible to leave that part of them behind and move on. That was why Spock had decided to push Uhura away. He could never be that person. He could never move on. And she would never understand that. Should he try to explain it to her? What was the point?

Uhura's last words left Spock in stunned silence for a few moments. He didn't think she was stupid for caring about him. That wasn't true at all. She hadn't made a fool of herself. But how was he supposed to tell her that?

Standing up from his seat on the bed, Spock took slow steps towards the door, avoiding Uhura's eyes for the time being. When he reached the doorway, he turned to her. “You are right,” he said, avoiding his articulate way of speaking. “You aren't like me. You have something that I could never have – the freedom to express your emotions. I do not deserve your love.” Instead of leaving, he stood in the doorway, frozen in place as if he wished to change his mind. But it was too late for that.

[LT. NYOTA UHURA]

Had she expected him to tell her he was wrong? That he didn't mean what he said? If he was determined to not affiliate with her anymore, determined to push her away, then she had no choice but to comply. She looked to him as he said nothing, did nothing before he rose to his feet. He moved right for the door before he finally turned to face her. She looked down at the ground as he spoke, saying she wasn't like him but she had freedoms he didn't. That he didn't deserve her love. She lifted her gaze from the floor, fresh tears rolling down her face as she looked at the man that she loved. What could say to him to get him to understand that he was capable of those freedoms if he just tried? That he did deserve her love, for it was for her to give. She wanted this to end, she wanted this entire conversation to disappear and pretend that it didn't happen. But that wasn't possible, it had happened, and she had to deal with it.

"Spock please..." She gasped, her long hair framing her heart broken face as she pleaded to him with her eyes. Those big eyes that conveyed everything she as feeling. She didn't want him to walk away, to watch his back move away from her again. She didn't know if she could handle that again. She licked her lips, her chin quivering as she fought to find the right words that could try and help her case. But nothing came as she looked into his eyes.

"Don't give up on me..." She gasped out again as she looked at him. What more could she really say? She didn't want him to give up on her, on what they could have had. They've had their moments together, he has shown interest, he has shown some emotion with her. There was something there, there had to be. Yet, as they stood there, on the edge of the end, Uhura felt like they were already miles away from each other. Was it already too late for them? Was it time for her to just give up? Uhura wasn't the type to just give up, everyone knew that. She didn't give up without a fight. But when it came to Spock, they were equally matched in a way, and what could she really do at this point but pray. Even then, it felt hopeless to her as she looked at him.

Uhura then moved to Spock as her petite, slender form looked up at him as she looked at his chest, her lips closing as she looked back up into his eyes. She then moved away from him, feeling the sting of defeat as she stepped away from him, but not too far away that he couldn't at least reach for her. But then again, why would he?

[arc]

Spock placed his hand on the door frame, leaning against it as if it were the only thing supporting him. He turned to Uhura, nearly losing his composure when he saw that she was crying, begging him not to leave her. Her chin quivered, fresh tears fell from her dark, emotional eyes. Spock wished he could convey his emotions to her in such a way, but he couldn't. That was the reason why he was about to step through the doorway, turn the corner, and let her go. Uhura deserved more than a cold, calculated, emotionless man like him. She deserved someone who would always be there for her, who understood what she was feeling, who never had doubts . . .

Uhura stepped closer to him then, only to retreat a few steps away once more, leaving him alone by the door. Now was the time to make the hardest decision of his life. Should he give in to the pleading eyes of Uhura and return to her, tell her how he felt? Or should he take that final step and leave? She was in arm's reach, and it would be so easy to reach out to her and tell her that everything was going to be OK. But he couldn't. Spock had already made his decision – he had already taken the first steps. There was no turning back now.

Besides, after all that had happened – the arguments, the doubts – Uhura wasn't really missing out on anything by letting him go. Spock knew that it would leave her heart-broken, but she would get over him soon enough. He would be easy to get over, wouldn't he? Spock liked to think so. Looking into her eyes for the last time, Spock saw a hundred different emotions. Anger, defeat, sadness . . . He couldn't take it.

Spock moved his hand slightly, just about to reach out and take her in his arms, but he quickly realized his mistake and snapped back into reality, withdrawing his hand once more. He took a deep breath, leaning hard against the door frame, and left the room without another word, walking slowly down the hallway and around the corner.

[LT. NYOTA UHURA]

It felt like hot metal sliding through her chest when she watched Spock's hand reach out to her, only to have him retract it and leave her standing there. She felt like everything just disappeared out of her life and she was standing in a black abyss, losing herself. Uhura watched her door slid shut with a whoosh and a click. She shuddered, her eyelids fluttering as tears fell silently down her face. He walked away. He actually turned and walked away from her, without a word.

"Oh god.." Uhura sobbed and she turned away, looking at her bed as she moved over to it slowly, her lips curling in sorrow as she curled up into a ball on it. She felt her dark locks framing her face again as she curled up under her blanket and just cried, like the little girl she was slowly shifting back into at that moment. Her heart had been ripped out of her chest and stomped all over and she was just trying to let it go. She held herself as she sobbed, her crying carrying louder as she tried to quiet herself down. It didn't work as she tried to not think about it anymore and sleep.

His lips were soft as Uhura and Spock shared a deep kiss on the transporter deck. His arms rested around her slender form before they pulled away from each other. Uhura looked up into his human eyes as he said he would be back. She shook her head, the concerned girl fearing his safety.

"You better. I'll be monitoring your frequency." She said to him gently before he looked down into her eyes.

"Thank you, Nyota."

She cried out, clinging to her blankets as she tried to close her mind, block out thoughts of him. He walked away from her, and now she had to deal with it. The dark woman lifted her head a bit, her lips closing but it just made it worse as she grabbed her pillow and pressed it to her face. She clenched it there before the girl released. She screamed as loud as she could into the cotton, her body becoming rigid as she let all of her anger there into the pillow. Then she let the pillow slide away from her mouth as she just laid there in silent sniffling. The tears didn't cease until she fell asleep in exhaustion.